one– all could be lost, at any moment. there are no guarantees anymore. we have little control, but we can accept it instead of ignoring it, and we can put forth some effort toward preventing our own self destruction.

two– despite the unknown looming, life this year, in this house, in the desert heat, has certainly been beautiful. the boxes have clearly been checked in this lifetime. everything else is a plus.

three– it might not be the bomb that comes for us. we could die at any moment, but we could also live another 50, or 50,000. who but god can say? let’s have a picnic in the mean time.

four– god willing. i will put out my best effort, i will sing a song to the creator and expect nothing in return. whatever happens after that is whatever happens, god willing.

This was the siren’s progression—

First she beckoned me to consider something greater (BoA “Only One”)—

Then she sang to me what was possible if I put in the work (Ariana Grande “Into You”)—

Finally she demanded I attain the highest level of performance (BLACKPINK “GO”)—

“The plan is ‘GO’”
– Jocko Willink

GOD WILLING

Domain Name: FREECOLIN.ORG
Creation Date: 2006-01-10T11:53:09Z

Some 20 years on, now, here I am at my desk at night, in my Eames chair, looking out at the city view, cars parked below, my dream girl sleeping peacefully in the room next door, and no tax debt. Just as God had reassured me, it ended up being OK…

but what happens if i can’t find work or run out of money… get seriously ill… if the computers take over and end it all for us… if i’m not feeling the meaning of life right now…

“In order to have what you really want, you must first be who you really are.”
– Tim Grover

Ok, so who am I, really? I’m the best at what I do. I boldly act so I don’t have to react. I own it and I don’t make excuses. I’m strong but calm, not reckless, never surprised. I don’t fear; I get better and I plow forward. I have the vision and the guts to see it through. I know that anything short of excellence leads to disappointment; complacency leads to boredom. I work hard on myself so I can work hard for others. I always find the answer and succeed because even if it takes years, through any number of bad situations, I don’t stop, I am relentless.

If in the future I sit down to write another blog for “30 years”, it’ll mean that the worst did not come to pass, and I’ll have had another decade to strive for the full realization of who I really am. I’m looking forward to looking back at my success in that.

Some ways I have been more in my nature—

• Being attentive to my wife for her birthday weekend (I needed no fancy gifts or words, just time)
• Rejecting a project that was not essential
• Cleaning up my environment

And then I slept without fear, all night, peacefully.

Memento mori. It was always possible for life to end quickly. But now that death feels imminent, i’m finding it easier to live more aligned with my nature. Every day we are not dead is a gift.

“What I’m feeling is the need for a complete divorce of the old ways, and utter reverence— a complete and true revision. Why do I cling to nonsense behavior?? With everything in this new world at stake…”

The wind is howling around us; I’ve barely slept. I checked the backyard expecting everything to have chaotically blown away but it’s mysteriously undisturbed; it required none of my worry.

I flip back to these old blog posts and remind myself what I’ve come through to be here. Life was actually often hard and full of ambiguity, not always living out every dream I’d ever had. But when I was, it was easy to ignore that life could still present enormous difficulties.

And my, is it actually fragile. I feel my age and my health now, full of little question marks. God could end the whole experience for me at any moment’s notice, for little to no reason. I have less time to squander than I thought I did.

I’ve learned through an encounter with my friend Nick Banik a couple weeks ago, and a basic reintroduction to NLP, that some aspects of my life are still quite out of alignment. That is, my day-to-day actions and decisions do not always align with my own values, with what I feel it is important to be, a.k.a. the “true self” I’ve been contemplating for a little while now. This misalignment causes me to feel like I am not there, no matter how hard I work.

What’s done is done; there is no option to go back and change things. What can we do except live forward fully? Seek pure truths. Dig deep. Find God. Live truly. Everything other pursuit or position is lacking and will leave me hungry. Excess accumulation. Lust. Sloth. Excuses and lies. Even drinking now feels like more of a hinderance than a social enabler.

And to achieve the true result, it cannot be halfway. If it is not all in, it is no better than today. If leaving it to default is shit, then I really have no choice.

And on pause for reflection, I see it more for what it is— and is it even that difficult? For example: I ask myself, when do I feel like I’m living out my true nature? One answer is when I am lying in bed in the dark, reading these posts off my phone for their reminders on life, and tapping out new ones. I wonder if Marcus felt the same way. In some ways, I know exactly what I need to do.

And anyway, if I was more aligned, what would life actually be like? Would the terror of the AI revolution and my increasingly irrelevant business and other previous mistakes fall away and allow me to see all of the new possibilities that have then come about?

So the computers may expose us all as frauds, and then murder us. So what. What real agency has God given us outside of what ever He has mandated to happen? And what am I trying to not be here for?

First, deep gratitude.
Second, work out what one needs to work out.

It really took hold after this– I fell in love with Sarah, helped take care of her kids, and spent time with her father just before he passed. Something of Eastern values spilled out on me and didn’t wash off. In the end she probably spit more fire than was warranted, but I also wasn’t up for the task, and was left longing. The end of that relationship was my catalyst into conscious life and real adulthood, but also, the easy-to-pinpoint beginning of a deep bias– the beginning of the end.

The stereotypical reasons don’t apply; I’m not a gamer; I know nothing about anime. Growing up in rural Arizona I had no early exposure to the culture, and my half-Japanese cousins offered me little additional insight.

But as I’ve thought more, I realize it does goes a little further back. In seventh grade we moved to Portland and I had a class with a Chinese girl named Jane. I don’t remember much about her except I found her cute. At this point we’re probably just talking basic physiology– I’m not the tallest or largest guy, so compact girls probably just make sense on an instinctual level– step 1.

Then in freshman year I met Lana, the half Korean Georgia peach. I knew nothing of either at the time, but it seemed to be a knockout combination, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so– the basic northwest white boys filling the school, of all social status, were relatively dumbfounded about what to do when she came around. She was gorgeous, of course, with enchanting eyes and an outstanding figure– one of the star athletes and maybe also a cheerleader– popular, to say the least. But more importantly, she was also one of the nicest girls at school, even though she didn’t have to be. She would talk to me, and smile, and offer me rides to places. Her nature made an impression and stuck with me, undoubtedly raising the bar for what I should expect in a life partner… step 2. (You were a sweet person and I hope you are living out a fantastic life. Much gratitude.)

Right after Sarah was Amy, my last serious white girlfriend, and a very special one to end it for me– to whom I owe all gratitude. But simply, as we were breaking up, I found myself in the company of Janeé, Christine, Kim, Marieness, Michele, Holly, Thảo, and countless others, who were patient with me and open to me, and to whom I also owe all gratitude… I was powerless to change course, not that I wanted to.

Later in life there was an anomaly in a flicker with Steph. After years of beautiful, instructive, and challenging encounters outside of my own race, could it still work with someone white? The answer was a hard and fast NO, when I realized I could conjure zero patience for a handful of behaviors that I now found abnormal and unacceptable. I married a Korean girl soon after and never looked back.

Who’s to say what about attraction makes any sense? Janeé calls me “the colonizer” while acknowledging she could have chosen anyone else. I’m not trying to make excuses– but I do wonder how little we are immune to the strange whims of our own internal chemistry… and to human nature…

It is surprising to think back and realize how little of consequence my life was, and the things that happened to me, before I was with you. Before and after, like black and white to color.

This is just a simple letter of thanks, of apology and of appreciation. I’m thankful for having known you, and in the past, having been close to you. You met me, and you woke me up with a deep, raw, uncommon, extraordinary love. I’m sorry that I fell short; that I didn’t rise up to meet you. I’m grateful for what I learned from you, which changed who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, what was important, what I was saying, where I was going. When I think about you, back to us so long ago, it is meaningful to me.

Couldn’t sleep, so I’ve relaunched this freecolin.org site with the original 2006 design.

I seem to like shoring up the past. I think it reminds me that the present is better, and the future will be even moreso. It is up to me.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up thinking about wether I’ve gone the right direction in life, wether I am going it now, and what changes I need to make. Last night hit me in a certain way. I grabbed my phone and started thinking back, taking stock, tapping out notes.

My 20s

Back when I didn’t know what life was about, I took it as it came. I didn’t know of goals. When good things happened, or bad, it was either God, or luck.

Marriage— As a kid I knew it was my destiny to be married; I longed for romance. After a series of short relationships, Kristen was the first girl to stay with me longer than six months. When you’re 20, how do you decide when and whom to marry? When no one I asked had a good answer, we ran off to Vegas.

Divorce— We separated a year later. My parents and the church had suggested divorce in general shouldn’t be, but I didn’t have another way to solve the problem of having married the wrong person. I began to wonder what other holes existed in the principles I was raised on.

Love, Lost— I met Sarah not long after, and dove in deep. I was in love. Completely entranced, but also utterly unprepared. The crash was hard. In September I left the duplex, with a lot of emotions stored up, to be processed later.

Care— Shortly after the breakup, and although knowingly in the final months of his life, Sarah’s father sought me out, and made sure I knew that I would be OK. His specfic act of care opened my eyes to eastern values, changed my perspectives on family, and what it means to be a good person. He died shortly after. Even people who only knew him through brief interactions were deeply saddened by the news.

Found— After nine months of social seclusion I finally ventured back out one night, and I met Amy. I stayed at her apartment all summer, and in the fall we took walks in the park. She gave me a song, and she sang it to me. I began to heal.

Downtown pt. 1— At this time in life the weight of irresponsibility and of past mistakes had been particularly weighing on me. So it was of overwhelming relief when one night I looked out from her window, over the skyline of downtown Portland, and suddenly, inexplicably, I realized that my life was all going to be OK— and I believed it. (This came true— successively moreso, over the course of the decades following.)

Downtown pt. 2— I had always wanted to live downtown, but I never made the move. One day Amy asked me “why not?” And when I couldn’t come up with the answer, I did.

Books— At some point it occurred to me that I was making a good wage but I still didn’t have any money to speak of. I went to the bookstore and quickly found a book called “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” which gave me several answers. That was the first of a few days that I re-learned about books.

Church— I was in my routine of being in the chapel one Sunday when I felt a sudden knock on the door of my conscious. Conviction came over me. Why was I standing there, half-aware, singing along to this music? What was my motive? Was I being faithful? It was my last time in regular attendance.

Dream Job— In the spring I was recruited by Wieden+Kennedy, the most prestigious ad agency in Portland. At 25 it thrilled me; it was an incredible place to land.

Failure— Although I did some great work, I also made some big mistakes, and I was more or less fired within a few months. It’s really unfortunate that a lack of certain values and of specific direction in my life damaged a lot of the work I produced in my early career. Some people say they have “no regrets” but I do wish I could go back and make certain things right for the people who put their trust in me, and that I ultimately failed.

Friend— In the final moments of high school, I found myself in competition for the love of a beautiful girl. The other guy won— but since he was everything I had ever wanted to be, I couldn’t be upset. He and I became close, and remained so for years— but over time, our paths diverged. He was clearly the one destined for the penthouse, but somehow I had ended up there instead. One night at drinks his frustration boiled over; we parted ways. In hindsight I empathize. He was a beautiful soul, but for some mysterious reason, held back in this lifetime.

Crossing Borders— I was invited to go to Asia one summer and then Italy several months later. To be in these places so different from home was as incredible as had imagined it would be. My life would never be the same.

High Life— On the train in Tuscany, in a fleeting moment, I met a girl named Ying-Yi. As fate would have it, I would end up later that year in Taipei for other reasons, and we reunited. For a few months we played some combination of fantasy lovers, business partners, and B-list celebrities. We crossed the Pacific to stay with each other; lived in the penthouse of a skyscraper in Taichung; curated the Museum of Modern Art, and threw a fashion show at the Palace Museum. But when the adventure of international romance started to turn to real life, we began to struggle in finding a common ground. On New Years Eve, our love ended on the floor, tipsy and in tears. As quickly as it came, it then went, and receded to memory.

Business— But I still wanted to be in Taiwan. Just before I was set to move there permanently, I casually threw a million-dollar proposal at a prospect, expecting a quick rejection from which I could move on— and they accepted. I suddenly had to decide if I wanted to stay and fulfill my dream of running a “real” business. I scrapped Taipei and opened PNDLM in Portland. A year later, I moved my team into a dream office space in the Pearl district.

Social— I hired Kim, and I guess she thought well enough of me to take me out to hang with the ABCs. I was floored. Everyone treated each other like family, and they lived all their moments together to the absolute fullest. It was life, totally magnified. I adapted as quickly as I could, and spent the final years of my 20s learning this social framework. My experiences during this time completely changed the game of life for me.

Slap— In my final moments of 29, surrounded by a circle of dozens of my best friends and a few exes, I let the most beautiful woman I had ever seen slap me in the face. Her smile and laughter was intoxicating; I gave her an enormous hug. And that was how I entered my 30s.

My early to mid 30s

When I discovered goal setting and gratitude, my life became more shaped, through intention.

Slumps— Very early in my career, a friend of mine who was also a consultant suggested that enough clients would just always show up. Although well intentioned, it wasn’t great advice. Eventually, our business had to part ways with our first client, which was also our biggest, and we suddenly had a big void to fill. New partners were introduced that didn’t solve the problem. It was a lean few years.

Goals— I got an invite from a friend to take a sales training course and learned goal setting, which turned out to be for me one of the keys of life. I bought some index cards from the Dollar Tree, wrote on a few and stuck them on the fridge, roughly: “Sell a business”, “Learn Chinese and live in Taiwan”, “Make a record”. Very soon after I was actually learning Chinese. It was completely revolutionary.

Realization— On a red-eye flight coming back from a very successful meeting, I realized that my dreams of selling a company might come true. But I also knew it could take years. Was I willing to put everything else on hold until that was done? I decided I was not. I stayed up for the rest of the flight and started making plans again to move to Taiwan.

Gratitude— Meanwhile my business was still hard. Five years in I was burnt out and depressed, looking for new answers. In a moment of great need, I read Tim Ferriss’ email newsletter, and discovered Ryan Holiday’s “Ego is the Enemy”, and then Tony Robbins’ “Ultimate Edge”. While stoicism would seep into me over years, the idea of gratitude changed me immediately and completely. I pushed hard into plans to change my life into what I really wanted, and I became a much better person in the process. Depression became a distant memory.

Arrival— Within nine months of my decision I had moved to Taiwan and within a year I had my own apartment in a beautiful part of town. Walking the streets quietly in the morning, taking in the sights and sounds, it felt like I had made the best decision of my entire life.

Stadiums— For a moment, through very lucky circumstances, I ended up as the tour drummer for a famous artist in Taiwan. I played to crowds that many of my musician friends back home had only ever dreamed of.

Payoff— After many years of my business’ credit line being my biggest burden, I sat in the lobby of Chase Bank on New Years Eve and paid it down. It was easily one of the best moments of my life.

Answers— In critical moments, through the invention of rAlert and the conception of the recycling business at the Business Mastery conference, I taught myself that I could always find a solution to a problem if I searched for it hard enough. (Indeed, the obstacle is the way.)

Blossoming Flower— And at the end of it all, it comes back around to love. One afternoon, an old friend and I met up on a whim at an inner eastside café— but quickly I sensed a different mood. She was single, and intuitively I knew what she was looking for. Everything I had learned over the past several years rushed forward, and that moment, followed by the rest of our lives, was made.

Beyond

Are there still things I have in remaining life to experience, to improve, to do and be? Absolutely. But what do I gain in worrying about them? As I have taken stock, it seems, maybe not so much. If I remain faithful to the pursuit of life, for myself and for those around me, I suspect that things may very well continue to pan out.

Domain Name: FREECOLIN.ORG
Creation Date: 2006-01-10T11:53:09Z

Some 10 years on, here I am having my first Saturday morning in this small house. It’s quiet, rainy, and this french press coffee is delicious. The noise of the 405 has been replaced by birds.

I can feel freedom. It is a real thing. I also feel gratitude. I can breathe. I wonder if I’ve achieved what I really desired in my early 20s.

If I stop and think for a moment, I realize I have. It’s an incredible feeling.

I’m very grateful that I’ve been allowed to acquire some simple truths, especially in the last year— to which I added just a little work, a little focus, and a little persistence. It added up and made this moment possible, and it’s opened up a whole world of new thinking. And now I know that my last few years in Portland has not been a waste. I can move forward with what’s next— in confidence, in gratitude. Not held back.

Somehow in the back of my head I always knew that freedom was state of mind, but I rarely built my environment or circumstances to cultivate it. Now that I know how to create this, I can also help others to acheieve the same thing. That’s a miracle.

FREECOLIN

tumblr.freecolin.org

Blogs are usually theraputic to “the condition”, but if you don’t have anything to write, they become merely a worthless record of your failures.

I used to have this one rule that really sucked, where I wasn’t allowed to change something I had posted on a blog once it had been written on the blog. Obviously that rule is over since I’ve changed/re-written this post at least a half dozen times since the site went up an hour ago.

The name of my website actually came from the image on this page, not vice versa. My friend and co-worker Chris Esterline created this and another poster for me on the day that I was laid off for the second time from the same dot-com.

He also said something along the lines of “Forget about this place, go to college.”